On getting caught!
I choose you. It's you I give my body to and the broken pieces of my soul.
I have this huge thing stuck in my throat. I try to swallow but it is very painful and only a thin line of spittle goes down my throat. I am devastated and my chest feels heavy. I try to walk faster to shake him off but he keeps up with me all the while shouting at me. His voice and words are however drowned out by the sounds of the city and the thoughts crashing through my brain. I can feel his anger. It is so hot that his touch almost burns me. It is still intriguing how he automatically cares and holds my waist as I cross the road carelessly in a bid to get away. I want to get away from him. I cannot stand the look of hurting in his eyes.
The guilt claws at me. It consumes me and I am lost. I cannot answer the many questions he is throwing at me in a futile effort to understand. I doubt anyone can understand me.
"Why do you fucking have double standards?"
"You made me feel guilty for talking to my best friend but oh no, you have a whole legion of people you are infatuated with".
Silence. I do not know how to explain that despite the sexual thoughts I have on someone else, he is still my prince. He is still the one I choose. Even in my head it sounds crazy and I know I am a disgusting liar who cannot fully entrust myself to one person but I am willing to try.
In what sounds like somewhat a rap, I try to explain to him how he is my number one. What comes next hits me like a ton of bricks and my heart sinks.
"So I am your no. 1A and there is a no. 1B and 1C."
Silence. The trench that is now my guilt grows deeper and I can barely talk. The thing in my throat grows bigger and it feels like I am swallowing a lump of sweet potato without any drink. If only I had not drawn suspicion. If only I had let him look at my phone without yanking it out of his hand like some hot coal. If only.
I finally lose him and I can breathe. I think everything through. After 3 unanswered calls, I resort to write a text message;
"Hey, my truth will hurt you, and I keep it from you to protect you and what we have, but I see now that it is wrong and hurts you more. My feelings are mostly confused and I may like multiple people at once, and that is my problem. I do try to control it. I do not know how to fix this or myself but I choose you. It's you I give my body to and the broken pieces of my soul. I am sorry I hurt you, maybe I was just scared of who I truly am. Forgive me?"
I wait as the light on my phone goes off. I touch the screen and it lights up, nothing. My thoughts scatter and a ping brings me back. I am afraid to open the message, but I do.
"I forgive you."