MAMA, I Smoked!

Bhang and substance abuse is underrated. They say its bad because they don't know why we do it. Its more than just the high. Thats what they don't get

Mama,i smoked,

It was something wrapped in white,

I don't really remember what they called it,

I don't need to,

But I am sorry,

For the first time,

It wasn't like you always said,

It didn't send sharp pains in my throat,

Or make me regret the thrill,

It didn't make me feel insecure,

Or worry about getting caught,

I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders,

This time,

I was relaxed,

More than usual humans do,

I felt freer in me,

I felt freer in this cage i have been trying to escape,

For the past nineteen painful years

I felt like my body wasn't fat,like they said,

I didn't at all,

I felt home,

Oh, maybe i never told you,

That i always felt fat,

Cause most of the time,

You were never home,

I cried in my sleep,

I ran in my nightmares,

I wanted to tell you,

So many times,

But i guess i trusted my silent pillow,

More than i did your ever-shouting mouth,

I cried each night,and smiled each morning,

I thought you could see the marks of pain,

On my face,

But i guess i was too flawed,

That you never noticed,

The redness of my eyes,

I felt like my face had no pimples,

At all,

Like no projection of the world caught up with me,

I felt like i could touch the world,

Leave a print in the sands of time,

Make an Einsteinian mark,

I felt i wasn't stupid,

Despite the failures that tagged along behind me,

I felt like i belonged with the sun,

Not with the heat of the earth,

Depression slid out of me,

I was like peekaboo,

I'm here,no I'm not,

I could see his face smile,

A sarcastic one rather

I could see the jagged teeth,

With a little bit of rags of my flesh,

I could see his nails,

Darkened with my blood,

And torment,

I returned his smile,

Like old friends do,

Well,he's known me most of my life,

I felt the darkness within me ebb out,

My suicidal thoughts flowing out with the rain,

And a streak of perfect rainbows forming,

In the distances of my mind,

I felt like i had just won a title,

Of the battle of gods of men,


I promise that i won't take it anymore,

Because of how dad ended up,

Alone and in jail,

And you with the weight of this 'thing'

You call a 'son'

But mama,

You lied,

It wasn't like you said,

It wasn't remotely like you said,

With each puff,

With each inhale,

I felt love for me,

For the first time,

What they said or did,

Didn't matter,

For the first time,

I didn't think of the trigger,

I didn't think of the pills,

I didn't think of the noose,

For the first time,

I accepted me,

For me,

A flawed being.

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