On ISH ISH Feelings
Sex...Love...ISH!!
Hollywood makes sex look enchantingly amazing. So good that by the time I was eighteen I thought Delamere wild berry yoghurt was orgasmic. As if nothing could feel better than an orgasm. By then I had already had sex multiple times, faked a few orgasms here and there, and got several self-induced orgasms too. Sex is good. Exciting. Mind-blowing. But no, not amazing. Amazing is such a meaningful word to be determined by a couple of thrusts and five-minute-orgasms.
So here are my thoughts on sex. Premarital sex to be specific. I wouldn't be married and start writing about sex obviously.... unless it was completely and utterly mind-blowing...of which it rarely is...or so I have heard.
The first time is nice. For most, it's with someone you like and you honestly think that the two of you are going to have a future together. If you're a girl they'll probably be very gentle. They will ask if you are okay as you leap from one level of anatomical knowledge to the next. If they don't. Red flag! Abort mission. You deserve a smooth first time, and being with an uncultured testosterone driven male who doesn't treat you like the most delicate porcelain is what you do not deserve. If you are a boy and she happens to be more experienced than you, you are allowed to climax as soon as you wish. We understand. Let me let you in on a secret. It will get boring, or awkward, or both.
With time, the sex gets uncomfortable and you will see dick prints on other guys' sweatpants and you will wonder...but never really let your fantasies in. Then the sex will get downright boring. You will breakup...ish. You will have sex with another guy. It will be better than what you've had before but now that you think you are smarter, you won't get into a relationship with this new guy because you don't want to break his heart as you did to the first one. What you don't know, however, is that he is the ultimate heartbreaker. How do you think he got his game to that level in the first place? Anyways, you get sad because you like the dick and the guy...ish. But you don't know whether he likes you. Really really likes you or whether he likes you.... ish. Looking at your choices, you could go back to guy one, of whom you have no sexual chemistry but he really does care about you. Side note; you're guilty because technically you cheated-remember you had only broken up...ish. So, your second choice, keep banging guy 2 and make sure you don't catch feelings. But who are you kidding, we all know your stupid sentimental ass will fall for him and the break up will be ugly. Option three, leave both, come back to Jesus and practice secondary virginity. What will you tell the heavens that will convince them to forget your incessant fornication, haughty eyes and lying tongue? Don't get me started on the pipe dream of secondary virginity yet we all know about your habitual drinking tendencies. Good thing you always have the unspoken have-it-all option: keep guy one but keep banging guy two. A caring guy and great sex.
Anyways, we were playing a game of truth or dare last night, and I got to find out one of my relatively close female friends is a virgin. For a split second, I was jealous. Then I remembered how I used to think I was really smart when I told both guys that pulling out was the most ineffective contraception method and insisted on using condoms. To all my lovelies, condoms are a scam. Sex is a scam. Keep your heart safe first. Keep your mind sane. You don't get condoms for those two. And if you want to keep friends, whatever you do, do not have sex with them. Lastly, the cervical cancer vaccine is available in Kenya, but viable for virgins only. The HPV bacteria that causes it is introduced into females by the male symbol of glory. Stay Woke. Be witty.
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