On Loving HIM
Losing him was blue like I'd never known Missing him was dark grey all alone Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met-Red; Taylor
I've been wondering whether I should write this or not. Even now I wonder whether I'll post it and if I'll manage to say what I want to say. I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. It is a curious thing for a person like me to come to the knowledge that she is absolutely alone. That's what has happened. It took me a week to realize, one day to feel it, and God knows how long it will take me to get over it. I'm thinking that I would rather live with it and make it my motto - ME ALONE. Some kind of declaration is hanging about me now as I write, something that though I grope at it with my own fictional two hands, I cannot get away. I don't seem to see the sun anymore through the clouds and the moon kissing the black sky.
The funny thing is that I can't believe this is all to do with HIM, or rather, I can't believe that he didn't know. I can't believe that I made such a bloody mistake as all that. On the bright side it was a big lesson, maybe the only lesson I'll ever enjoy as a student of this capricious life. What is funnier is that I can look at it all from his point of view and see that it is all a trivial kind of happening.
He was a breath of fresh air from the ordinary world stuffed with fuckboys and all sorts of heart-soul-breakers, my sapiosexual kind. He never really looked nice. He looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something! His eyes reminded me of the eclipse, not meant to be looked at with naked eyes. The sun reminded me of him, bright and burning like the fire in my soul, but I couldn't feel him. My favourite song was whichever song that reminded me of him. Now, when the time comes and no song reminds me of him, I know I'll be healed.
The night when we gave up our love keeps playing in my mind. He asked me,
Are you okay now?"I mumbled a "Yes". We both knew I was lying. I struggled to bat away the teardrops forming in my eyes. I always cry tearlessly, so that time, my eyes surprised me. He was quiet, but then later held me a little tighter, a little closer to his chest, and I yearned to tell him,
I'm sad that you're leaving. I want you to stay."However, I have no right to tell him that. I haven't even the tiniest part of his life. "I wish we had more time." The words are now itchy on the tip of my tongue, and there they stay. I know we were temporary but that didn't make it any easier. I felt ready to burst with all the words inside me. In our silence, I felt his arms relax around me, yet he already seemed to be drifting away from me. Was I missing him while he was right beside me? I held him tighter, realizing that that was probably going to be our last moment together, hoping that the hands of time would stop so that the moment would last forever. I wished my feelings would go away. This body with me didn't want them, and neither did I. They were just messy and all over the place.
All the while I'm writing, I stop to see whether I'm exaggerating, being overly sentimental, but I don't know. I can't see things plainly now. I can't throw myself into an abyss. I have to gather myself and have the courage of my presence. It'll require immense effort on my part to keep away from him. I don't delude myself about that. I'm not among the strongest ladies around, but one day I will be. Besides, my love for him grew quietly and in secret. I never knew it was there till it snapped. I have to screw myself up against him and go my own way. I thought I hated him for it, but it wasn't true. We might have pulled some great thing off together, but he was divided too. Perhaps we came together too late. Perhaps it's true that true love is the most inconvenient kind.
There is a line of finality about all this: If you know you'll die tomorrow, will you start living in the moment, loving more? We are all going to die. LET'S JUST LIVE!
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