On Losers and Bullies
...Even in the fortress that he ran to, he was followed by the very thing that he had devoted his life to running away from… the other title: Loser...
“I don’t care how you feel about it! Just get it done you stupid loser! Hey… if you’re gonna chicken out on me, say it now so I can find someone else to do it, you big sissy…” Roared Big Jimmy to the rather frightened young man who was barely a month into his high school life, and already seeking solace amongst the school’s infamous weed peddlers. But it wasn’t really ‘solace’ that he sought after, it was a title. One that little old Billy would sell his own soul for, because anything he would have to sacrifice was worth the payoff: the title.
But even in the fortress that he ran to, he was followed by the very thing that he had devoted his life to running away from… the other title: Loser. You can imagine what Billy felt on hearing the person he looked up to with such awe and admiration, call him a loser. Probably meant nothing to Big Jimmy; he said those kinds of things all the time… but boy, did it sink deep into Billy’s core. He told himself with somewhat of a reassurance that it was only the first step on a journey he would come out of; a victor, a conqueror, a badass. “No, Big Jimmy… I can handle it… I’m sorry I complained…it won’t happen again.” said Billy as he planted the brown roll of weed deep under the books in his bag, and walked away briskly to make the delivery.
Big Jimmy watched the little boy walk away. Maybe it was how loud he had yelled at him, or just how afraid Billy was of him, (or maybe it was the weed he was high on), but it brought out feelings that he had vowed to forget for life. He remembered how a few years back, he was ‘just Jimmy’. A little thirteen year old boy, virgin in all things thinkable and unthinkable, joining high school to pursue his life-long dream of one day becoming a neurosurgeon. He remembers just how innocent he was, which utterly disgusted him, but at that moment when his guard was down, welled up some tears in his eyes. He recalled how mean the other kids were to him because his mother had taught him never to fight back, regardless of the situation. Back then, there was certainly nothing big about Jimmy. He was just another one of the losers. Heck, he had been called a loser so many times he started to believe it! More often than not, Jimmy second-guessed himself when doing anything, in an attempt to distance himself from the plague-like title. He remembered when he almost told Mary that he loved her, but slapped himself on the face saying, “Only a loser would do that!” as any display of affection was a sign of weakness, and he’d be back to square one. Oh how he hated that stupid name! Yet without remorse, he had spitefully cast it on another.
For so long Jimmy had wanted to be accepted by the other boys, and hopefully one day become a leader. But now when he had everything that he wanted, he was far from content. He hated having to be mean to others so that they would respect him. He hated being in this cocoon of masculinity by being the resident bad boy and he particularly hated it when Mary, the girl he loved so dearly, slapped him on his face after he grabbed her ass like he was told to in his initiation, and having to watch her go to prom with Tyler instead.
He had become the very thing that he dreaded. He had lost himself trying to conform to what society deemed as ‘cool’ and ‘macho’, turning into a monster that neurosurgeon Jimmy would be ashamed of. His life had been taken away by society, his hopes vanquished and his dreams left unrealized. And now, he was doing the same to Billy, a boy full of promise, and probably the hope of his family. Big Jimmy took one long puff of his blunt and felt it coarse through his lungs before blowing it out through his nose.
“Man, what kind of weed did you get this time Calvin? It’s makin’ me think o’ some crazy shit bro, damn!”
“It’s crazy, right? I just got it… Cost me extra tho… This loser better not fuck this up…”
“Relax, he good… He doin’ it for free too.”
“Yeah, what a loser, am I right?”
“Yeah, what a loser.” Said Big Jimmy, as he blew up smoke rings like the good vaper artist he was.